Guest Post: Richard from Boehmcke’s Human Condition

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Today I’m really happy to introduce you to the very first male guest blogger for the month! Richard’s webpage is www.boehmcke.com but his blog is right here! He’s an incredibly witty blogger, so I was really excited when he was willing to write something for me while I’m gone!

I had a lot of fun getting to know him through his blog & I know you will too!

I love going to the movies and I go quite often. But for as much as I enjoy going, I know the experience could be improved. And seeing as I am such a frequent patron of the theater, I feel uniquely qualified to share some ideas on how movie theaters could step up their game.

Sell Booze

They do it in Europe. Which is usually a good enough explanation for most people (man bikini’s and clogging excluded).

But think about how great it would be. You know what goes good with popcorn? A nice I.P.A.! You know what goes well with skittles? A vodka tonic. Sour Patch Kids? Jaeger!

Think about how great that would be to enjoy a nice frosty brew while watching vampires/lovers/shenanigans on the big screen!  Plus, the theater could jack up the price to extra exorbitant levels to make money. I know I’m the first to complain about the price of a beer but hey if people are willing to pay it, well that’s capitalism for you! I’m just happy it’s an option.

And its only 2 hours of drinking, if that. It’s not really enough time for people to get extremely drunk… just a lil bit.

Vending Machines

Is anybody really excited to get on line to buy candy or popcorn from a disgruntled teenager so hateful of you and your life that they refuse to make eye contact while you hand them your Jackson?

What makes this human so qualified to hand me candy from behind a glass case? What training has he received? I’d rather watch a kangaroo hop across the room to get me my candy, which I’m pretty sure is not possible.

I say we get rid of the angry teenager (Fire him, not like… kill him) and get vending machines. If you still need your angry teenager to scoop and hand you your popcorn, OK I can understand that.  But now we can have a half dozen vending machines for the prize of one angry teenager. PLUS you have six short lines instead of one long one.

And that means less people walking in late to movies, and that means less strange asses being thrust in front of your face in the dark while the trailers play.

Or even better, put a vending Machine inside each and every single theater itself! This way people don’t have to miss more than 30 seconds of the movie to get their hands on some Snow Caps. You want a snack? You walk down the steps, turn the corner, BOOM vending machine, Snow Caps, back to your seat.

Lit Rows

We all know that there are times when you reach your seat, sit down and realize, oh jeez, I have to pee. I was tempted to suggested toilet functionality for every seat in that theater but I know that’s not really practical… or a good idea.

You can find your wait out of your row easy enough (minus the ass thrusting of course) but then getting back to your seat, yikes that’s awful. Why not label the rows the same way they do on planes? You can put it right on the floor lit up. So when you come back you don’t get lost you say, oh I am in row HH. Easy enough.

Instant “Tickets and Seats Left” Notification

Have you ever purchased a ticket for a movie and as soon as you get into the theater you realize there are only 2 seats left and they are in the first row? Screw that you say, and you go back and trade in your tickets for a later show.

You know how when you buy tickets for a flight somewhere it shows you how many seats are left and where they are? Wouldn’t it be great if you could do the same thing for a movie? Now granted knowing exactly which seats are available could be tough, BUT knowing how many people have purchased tickets AND how many people have checked into that theater is definitely doable. So now you can turn to your friend and say, “Oh dude there’s totes not enough seats left, lets go have a conversation with each other instead.”

Drains

Movie theater floors are gross and sticky for a variety of reasons. It is like a graveyard for things you love. I have never dropped something on the floor of a theater and thought to myself, “Man, that is something I would like to pick up.”

No usually its, “Man, it’s a shame I’ll never see that thing again.” And that’s not even hyperbole. Because even if you wanted to find it, you can’t. There’s no way, you try to hover your hand above the floor like a tiny spacecraft until you accidentally lean too far or slip and your ring finger touches a stickiness and you cough, gag, and spasm at the same time.

It is amazing things don’t stay exactly where they land on the floor of the movie theater considering how sticky it is. That is why they should install drains at the bottom of the theater, put a flooding system at the top and then just flood the floor after each showing to wash away the yuck.

It doesn’t even have to be clean water, just, cleaner than what is on the floor of the theater. Recycled water, grey water, rainwater, hose water, I don’t care. Just clean it up. There are few sounds grosser than the steaaack of pulling your shoe off of an adhesive floor.

And if they can’t rinse off the floor of the theater, well, it probably won’t bother me. I’ll be tipsy by the end of the movie anyway.

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3 responses »

  1. haha this is brilliant! Booze at the pictures is amazing, although it did mean I had to watch The Dark Knight twice because I didn’t remember the second half…

  2. This is awesome. And can we also give a shout out for movie theatre soft drinks? I swear I don’t know if they pump up the syrup volume or if it’s all in my head (which is probably the case) but nowhere does a fountain drink taste as good as when it’s at the movie theatre.

  3. Haha, very clever, funny post! The lit rows part is so true – tripping over in the cinema is bad, but even worse is when you leave to go to the toilet (or in my case normally to stock up on more sweets!) is coming back and not being able to see your friends…. 😦

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