Confessions of a single girl

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I have a confession to make. I’m a single girl, and I’ve been single much more in my life than not. There are many excuses reasons for it, but it’s mainly because of this: I’m very picky.

I am, it’s true. I definitely had my chances to NOT be single from the age of 14 or 15 and on… I just never really took those chances. I always found something wrong with the guy; he was never right, he was never the one I wanted, he didn’t fit the idea I had in my mind. Yeah, I’m very picky.

It’s crazy for me to look around at all my friends (both in real life and in the blog world) who are in long term relationships, moving in with their significant others, dating regularly, getting married, having children. I’m not really doing any of these things.

I have another confession to make. I’m more than just picky. If there is a guy hitting on me, I can tell almost immediately by looking at him and considering the way he talks whether or not he’s my type. I hardly even give myself (or them, really) a chance. I don’t know what this is called, but I’m going to call it too much judging.

I mean, I can also admit that I’ve relaxed a lot about this in the last year or two. I used to be much worse. But I still do it. I did it just the other day, in fact, and that’s when it hit me that I shut myself off to opportunities without even giving myself time to reason WHY I do it. Why is it that I don’t want to be single, and yet I’m constantly giving myself excuses reasons to be?

There’s something else, too. Actually, there are a lot of ‘something elses’. I’m full of them. I could probably spend an entire blog post just listing the reasons that I’m single– the reasons things have never worked out. If I’m being honest though, even if they all make sense in my mind and I stand by my logical thinking, it doesn’t make it any easier. I’d still love to be one of those girls mapping out my future. Instead, I’m feeling stuck in this particular spot in my life. I’m not saying that I rely solely on the idea of a relationship to move myself forward, I’m just saying that I’m getting tired of going to my hairdresser and having to explain yet another time why I still don’t have a boyfriend.

I’m running out of excuses to give him.

Also, why is it that the strangers that walk in and out of your life- and you know what, come to think of it, even the friends that aren’t around as much as they once were- feel the need to ask you what your relationship status is? I know it’s just a conversation topic, but does it have to come up EVERY single time and remind me that I’m not quite measuring up to society’s standards? The constant reminder isn’t helpful. I feel like with all of the technology we have going on, I’m missing some particular piece of the metaphorical relationship puzzle. Where the hell is everyone meeting their boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it just not my time yet?

Okay, fine, maybe it’s not my time yet. But, I have one last confession to make. I just kind of wish it was.

How’s that for an honest post?! But seriously, tell me about how you met your significant other, tell me your tips your ideas to dating, your ways to overcome your anxiety about it? I really would LOVE to know. 

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31 responses »

  1. I can’t give you any advice because I’m pretty much in the same boat! I have NEVER had a boyfriend (I have what I refer to as ex-non-boyfriends), I RARELY date, and I also judge a lot. Too much. So I feel your pain, even if I can’t help!

    • Your comment just blew me away! I had no idea. For some reason I totally imagined you as currently in a long term relationship, and I can’t even tell you why I thought that. That being said, I have no idea what we’re missing here. As soon as I figure it out, I’ll be sure to pass the knowledge along 🙂

  2. If you’re happy and fabulous as a single girl (which you obviously are!!) then I say keep doing what you’re doing.

    HOWEVER, if you do want to find a boyfriend and/or a husband eventually then you do have to open up your options a little more I think. I’m NOT saying you have to settle but I don’t believe you cannot tell whether a guy is good boyfriend/husband material at first glance or in the first conversation. Not to mention that a lot of guys aren’t boyfriend/husband material a lot of the time! Eric does a TON of things that drive me batshit crazy but he also does a lot of amazing things which is ultimately why I’m marrying him – you have to find the nice balance 🙂 Heh!

    I think you should give dating more of a shot and actually go on a few dates with a few different guys before tossing them back out to sea. Just my opinion though 🙂

    • You’re obviously totally right. I mean, I know it’s crazy to *judge* that way. I know it’s ridiculous and now that I truly notice that I do it and how completely ridiculous it is, I want to kind of stop doing it. I’m trying to open myself up to more situations where I can meet someone, but it’s still tough. Every girl has that idea of an *ideal* guy they’d like to end up with, but I’ve realized that my tastes differ so much, he could be anyone out there at this point. I really just need, like you said, to give dating a shot. I’m not TOO sure where to start with that, but I guess if I try hard enough I’ll figure out ways. 🙂

  3. I don’t think you’re alone in this at all. I was lucky enough to find Rob in high school, but I think every day that if I hadn’t found him and was on my own now, it would be really tough for me to open up my heart and hold off on the judgements until I really got to know someone.

    I know what you mean about feeling like you have to measure up to some imaginary “life metric.” I feel like that every day, worrying that we need to have kids now or hurrying to get married. I think that’s totally normal 🙂 It takes working on yourself, on your confidence and your sense of self-worth. I haven’t gotten there yet but I’m working.

    I hope you don’t find this presumptuous, but do you think your difficulty with judging other people comes from a hesitance to open up to someone? I think with a lot of people, the idea of opening themselves up to judgement and potential rejection intimidates them so much that they seek reasons to shut people out. Again, I hope you don’t take that as a presumption, since I don’t know you very well 🙂 Just something that I’ve seen with some of my friends, and something that I know I do with friendships.

    I would recommend (to anyone, really) seeing a counselor if you can. Mine helps me look at things in so many different ways, and it helps to have another, knowledgeable person to look at things objectively and without an agenda.

    Loving your honesty, by the way, and sorry if this comment isn’t particularly coherent. 🙂

    • You’re not being presumptuous at all! On the contrary, you totally read between the lines of this post and got everything I wasn’t saying (typing?) out loud. I have a lot of trouble opening up to someone, especially if I’M interested. And if it’s him that’s interested and I’m not? I have a lot of trouble opening myself up to the possibility of something happening. I don’t know why. I need to relax, that’s pretty clear. 🙂

      I think maybe to some extent it has to do with how I feel about myself, but I’m not sure just HOW much. The idea of rejection is terrifying, especially because I have a bad habit of falling for the wrong guys (in the sense that giving things a shot and having them not work could ruin friendships) and I just HATE having that on my conscience.

      I don’t know. I’m seriously debating the online dating thing… It just kinda freaks me out, lol!

  4. A watched pot never boils – Stop trying to find Mr Right and he’s soon to appear without you realising it. The thing is you need to be happy with you and your life, before you can be happy with a partner. My advice is enjoy being you in what ever relationship status you’re in at the time and when your ready all of the other things (marriage, kids, etc) will happen naturally which makes them much more enjoyable.
    Obviously as a guy I don’t have much credibility for this topic of conversation, so I understand if you take what I say with a pinch of salt. Congratulations on an honest post though!

    • On the contrary, I love that you commented on this post! It’s kinda nice to hear from the opposite perspective every once in a while. You’re really my male audience at this point Paul so I’m counting on you to steer me in the right direction on these things. 😉

      In all seriousness though, I know that there’s that saying where when you stop looking things will happen, and I’d like to think that I can be that person… But life is rather boring in between school & work, so it gets hard to just forget about these little things. I need to find the right balance between just enjoying life but also putting myself out there. It just gets tougher as I get older.

  5. Mel
    your amazing. In my mind what you describe as “picky” or too judging” i would describe as “not settling”. Your amazing & i hope you know that, so you deserve someone amazing too. Don’t settle just because you feel like you have to “open up” or you see people with long term relationships. Some people settle for the “almost right” guy for them & get stuck. I dont see you as that girl. You are the girl who can change the world if you set your mind to it. You are the girl who will be incredibly successful in her personal & professional life. I can see it. So don’t settle. Sure it gets lonely sometimes, but hey, who’s not lonely these days? Single or or taken. So don’t stress. Don’t keep looking & looking. It’s true what they say, youll find something if you stop looking for it or when you least expect it. Your in your prime at 22 years old. Travel, live your life, be who you were meant to be.
    That’s all you need<3

    • Thanks Laura ❤ you're my life coach! I know we've talked about this before, sometimes it just feels a whole lot harder than other times to not stress about it and to keep moving on. It would be nice to just meet someone and be able to live my life WITH that person. It all depends on my mood though. Some days I like just being me! I don't think I'll ever settle- that's definitely not who I am- I just want to be more open to possibilities in the future.

  6. I agree with a lot that’s been said here already. I come from the other side of things–I used to always been in a serious relationship, but now it’s been awhile since I’ve dated anyone. I don’t blame you for having high standards (this is a lesson I could have used years ago), but there’s also something to be said for just going out there and mixing it up a bit. I’ve found that once I get to know someone better they often increase in my estimation, even if my first reaction was less than enthusiastic. People are funny that way. Also, I highly recommend you read this post from Crazy Aunt Purl: http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/archives/2011/09/reader_q_a_i_wo.php
    I’m not affiliated with this blogger in any way (other than being a reader), but it is seriously some of the best advice on dating I’ve ever heard.

      • You’re right, there definitely IS something to be said about just going out there and taking having a good time. I mean, I WANT to. I just need to do it. Thanks for the link as well, I read the post and took a a few really interesting things from it. It’s reassuring to see that women in all age categories and in all points of their lives are a lot like me. I’m not alone!

  7. In regards to being picky, I am definitely the same way. I know what I want and I don’t like to waste time. Like you, there were plenty of guys I could have invested time in, but they, too, never fit the idea of what I had in mind (not to mention the idea of ‘dating’ was horrifying to me), which is why I’ve only had one serious relationship. After he broke my heart, I realized that I’m only 21 years old and I don’t need to be thinking about long-term relationships or marriage right now. I don’t need to determine whether the guy talking to me in a bar is boyfriend/husband material; he’s just that– a guy talking to me in a bar. For now, I just try to live in the present moment and enjoy the perks of single life. When something happens, it will happen. I figure there’s no need to worry about things I can’t control.

    • We’re very alike then! I think I am definitely trying to enjoy life at 22 to just do whatever I want to do, but I’ve never even had that ONE big relationship that didn’t work out to remind me that sometimes it’s nice to be single. I can’t for the life of me see myself meeting a guy in a bar and making that work, but it would definitely be nice to meet more guys. I just need to get a little bit more courage when I’m interested in someone to do something about it. It’s just so much easier said than done!

  8. I could have written this post.

    Some days, I’m happy and content in my singleness but I won’t lie that whenever I hear of a formerly single friend finding love, it feels like a knife in my gut. I wonder why they can open themselves up and I can’t. (I haven’t even been on OkCupid since my last “date”.) I judge SO easily and I hate that about myself. I know I need to open myself up more because it’s just an excuse.

    I know I need to put myself “out there” more…but how do you do that?!?! I have social anxiety and completely shut down when in social settings. I felt like I was the most open on my date so maybe I need to get out there on online dating sites more. I don’t know. This whole dating thing (or non-dating thing as it is for us…) is HARD.

    Big hug, girl. I love this honest post. You’re amazing and I know we’ll both find our way through this maze of dating one day.

    • Okay I just had this nice comment reply written out and WordPress literally shut down on me. Fail. Let me try again.

      When I was writing this post, I was totally thinking of you. I know you’ve written similar posts in the past & I just knew you’d understand. I don’t know what it is about dating that makes me so anxious. I can’t pinpoint it. It really is just HARD, like you said. I was considering opening up an online dating account, but the very thought of it makes me nerves go haywire! I feel hopeless, really. But I think our problem is that we just need to turn off our brains and just take a chance. Or we just start a club. Hehe. 🙂

  9. Well, I’m glad I never knew you in person and tried to ask you out. Because I’m positive I would have gotten the shaft.

    Anyway, my ‘meeting my wife’ story is too long for a comment, but I’ll give you the gist of it.

    I worked at a grocery store with a girl. One day, this girl said that her friend thought I was cute. After a day of pleading by this fellow employee, we finally talked on the phone. We went out all the time, had fun, dated for 3 years before we moved in together, got married a year after that, and just had our first, and probably (read our birth story) child last year.

    We’ve been together for almost 11 years, so I can’t give advice on dating, because honestly she’s the only girl that I REALLY dated. I sometimes wish I could have dated more, but I wouldn’t have gotten that far with anyone else.

    One day I’m going to write the long, drawn out ‘meeting’ story as a blog post, but that’s the condensed version.

    • Hahaha to be fair, it wouldn’t have been your fault. Like I said, I’m kind of bad at giving chances, I’ve turned down way too many people that I should have given chances to. I love that story about you and your wife though! Thanks for sharing 🙂

  10. I just came across your blog by linking from Roots and Rings and felt like I was 22 again myself! It struck a nerve and I feel the need to share this with you:

    This post exemplifies who I was for most of my 20’s – a single girl determined not to settle. At least that’s what I told myself: that I didn’t want to settle, that I was just picky, that I knew instantly if I was into a guy or not. The reality? I was afraid. I was terrified of putting myself out there emotionally and then being rejected. I couldn’t handle it, and so I let the fear control me. I hated being alone, but couldn’t cope with dating.

    But when I hit my late 20’s and was precariously close to turning the big 3-0, I had an epiphany of sorts: I was more afraid of being alone than I was of being rejected.
    I forced myself to start dating and for four years I had some pretty crazy experiences (I turned to blogging around year two to help relieve the stress and sheer craziness of it). I had a lot of first dates, some with guys I didn’t want to go out with, but I did it and each time was a little less anxious than the time before and eventually, it paid off. 8 months ago I met the love of my life. We met online and are blissfully happy. He’s since moved in with me and we’ve started planning our future together.

    I wish I could go back to my 22 year old self and give her a swift kick in the pants. I wonder, if she knew her dreams of being married with children by the age of 30 didn’t come true, would she still let her fear of dating rule her life?

    You’re young. You WILL overcome any anxiety you have towards dating, I promise. Your picky-ness will subside. You won’t be so quick to judge. You’ll get to a point in life where you just know it’s the right time to be the dater you want to be and then everything will fall into place. It could be next month, it could be next year. Everyone has their time. Some just take a bit longer than others to find it 🙂 I’m 33 now but couldn’t be more happy with how things have turned out. It’s exactly as it should be.

    Good luck!!

  11. I am a mostly single person too (and have lots of excuses to match) but it really annoys me how everyone always asks! Seriously, I know it’s good gossip but I hate feeling like I have to defend myself against society’s expectations!

  12. Quit caring what other people think about your relationship status, and quit worrying about your relationship status. When it’s right, you’ll know. Don’t (I REPEAT: DON’T!!!) get involved with someone who you feel like you’ve settled for. If you’re not 100% about someone, but you convince yourself that, “Hey, maybe he’ll grow on me,” let me tell you something…he won’t…and you’ll be pissed off at yourself that you’ve let things get to “this” point.

    Sure, go out on dates, and enjoy time with many different people, but never, ever settle for less than you know you deserve.

    That is all.

    • I don’t think I’ll ever get involved with someone I’m not 100% about just because that’s never been my style and I don’t think I can have such a 180 degree change in personality overnight. What I WANT to be able to do is not just shut myself off entirely to every single guy, which is more often than not what I end up doing. I’ve definitely gotten better at it, but it’s just frustrating when it seems like everyone around me is meeting people and I’m not. I feel like I’m missing something over here!

  13. Pingback: September: A Review « Press Play.

  14. Wow, love your first post after you declaration to be more honest! Get it girl. And you know what. Single girls rock. Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently. Plus there are way more important things to worry about. Like what’s for dinner. 🙂

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