A couple weeks ago I wrote a post admitting that I was feeling really down about life, but more specifically school. This semester has been really tough on me and I couldn’t figure out what was making me so darn SAD about the whole thing.
Here are a few things that have happened since then.
First, simply by writing those words & accepting my feelings, I started to feel better about it. I was bottling up my emotions for weeks at that point because I didn’t know how to approach the subject or even the IDEA of ‘depression’… No matter how mild it was. A lot of you reached out to me right away, and a few of my friends who read my blog did too. It was nice to know that the moment I admitted how I felt, I got all this amazing support. So thank you.
Second, by talking about it a little bit, I ended up wanting to talk about it a lot MORE. Since that post, I’ve felt more open to actually talking about school with my friends and seeing how they feel on the situation. At first I was hesitating bringing up how disouraged I was about homework and how I was sick of feeling like I was walking in a circle. I don’t know why, but I was incredibly surprised to find out that there are TONS of people feeling the exat same way. It’s so nice to know that I can turn any which way and find someone who can relate to me. It eases the pressure by a lot.
Third, I started re-reading some of my old posts about school. I forgot how much I’ve changed in the last year and a half since going to University, and how much I’ve already BEEN through. I don’t know why this year just FELT so different to me, but I had a similar *panic attack* at this time last year. And like 5 other times since then. Apparently school does that to me- but I know it does that to a LOT of people.
That last one is important though, because I also forgot how much I motivated myself to persevere through those crappy days and through all that homework I didn’t understand. There was a time when math was the HARDEST thing I could ever imagine doing and more often than not I was convinced that I’d never make it through and that I just wasn’t capable of it. I forgot about failing a class and about how I RE-DID it. I didn’t even hesitate. I just did it because I wanted to accomplish that. I knew I could do it.
So why give up now? I realized a big problem is that I’m not loving my classes as much as I thought I was going to, but let’s face it… Shit happens. Semster is officially more than half over and this morning I beat all odds and wrote an entire essay that just last night I could hardly type 200 words to. I impressed even myself with that one. It may not be my best work, but I did it and I can STILL do it. University isn’t somethng that anyone finds FUN. Sure, *learning* can be fun but the homework? The stress? The wanting to have a social life but not being able to? That is NOT fun. It’s just part of the package deal. I want to be someone, do something important and feel accomplished. I am fortunate enough to have the means to get a degree in University. That is amazing.
There is so much in the world that I want to do. I wish that right now I could be traveling around the world, discovering different cultures and volunteering to help the less fortunate. But right now, I need to focus on my life and getting this done so that one day SOON I can do all these exciting life things.
I still have some days where I feel depressed, I’ll be honest. There are some days (last night is a great example & last week during midterms) where I feel like I’m not BUILT for school. There are other ways I can earn a living, I can use the money I have for school towards something amazing and life-changing. I still haven’t been able to talk myself out of all of this, but I’m working on reminding myself WHY I’m here and WHY I’m doing this to begin with. There must be a reason I came back to school 3 semesters ago but for some reason I forgot about all of that this year.
What I know is that I’m going to keep pushing myself to do the best I can right now. I’ve been great at motivating myself in the past and I’ve been taking more time to really think about who I am and what I want. There are parts of my life that need to change in order for me to be the best ME that I can be. That’s a work in progress but I’m already feeling inspired to work on these plans and to feel 100% good with my life right NOW.
I still WANT my degree in business and I still desperately WANT my degree in professional writing. The path to get there is hard & I’m tired of not feeling like I’m where I should be for my age, but I know that these goals are still things I want to achieve. They’re still relevant to me.
It’s a work in progress, but I think I’m headed in the right direction. This was one of my previous posts that re-inspired me about school. I want to feel like that girl again!
What were your highs and lows like when you were in school? Would you change anything about the path you chose if you could? Did you ever think about completely changing what you were doing WHILE you were in school?