In September, I wrote a couple posts about trying to get my life back together after spending the last month of my summer in Europe. In October, I wrote a few more about not feeling like myself and trying to piece MYSELF back together. I had a tough first six weeks back home, and I think it was a mix of a lot of things, but mostly taking the best trip of my life & then coming home to a tough semester of classes that weren’t going how I expected.
I was really proud of those four posts because I was very honest about a part of myself that I didn’t really want to talk about. I’ve read this recently on some blogs, and it’s so true- as a blogger, you try to put your best self forward in your little internet space, but sometimes your less-best-self needs to come out too. Otherwise, am I really being an honest person with myself and my readers?
In an effort to stay HONEST, I thought it was time to write a little follow-up on what was going on in my head and my heart. Plus, I want to look back on November and remember it as a good time in my life, because it really is. In September & October I was having difficulty coping with my life. I was sad more often than I was happy. The things that normally brightened my day were kind of dull; hang outs with friends that normally cheered me up on a particularly gloomy day barely stirred up any emotion in me. It was kind of awful, now that I look back on it.
The good thing is that I’m now LOOKING BACK. Slowly but surely, each day feels better and brighter; I’m finding my smile again. I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when things started looking up, but I started noticing this month that everything has just been easier. I feel my focus shifting in school, I feel my priorities straightening out, and most importantly I feel like there’s a weight lifting from my heart. I wake up every day feeling lighter and more like myself.
I mentioned a few times in those previous posts that I’m not sure if I was exactly DEPRESSED- I think I just had a severe case of wanderlust that was worsened by the fact that my heart was still 8,000 kilometers away from my body. I’m still itching to travel again, but I’m feeling more grounded and more ready to take on the rest of my school year. I went through a really intense period in these last two months where all I wanted to do was drop out of school and travel the world. I still WANT to do that- I mean how awesome would it be to travel the world?- but some conversations with friends and some planning for next summer are making me feel more grounded.
I’ll be honest and admit that I still don’t like any of my courses this semester. None of them. That has been a big problem for me because I had high hopes for ALL of them… I think I might have appreciated them more had I taken them at a different point in my life, they are just tough courses that I wasn’t ready to work at. I’m trying to make up for lost time now, and hope it’s not too little too late. That being said, I’m going to do what I try to do in every situation and just make the best of it. If anything, this will have been a semester of learning and coping.
For a little while I thought I could work things out on my own, but I realize now as I write this that my friends who involved themselves in my life in the last month really helped me get out of a crappy place in my life. It’s only when I started TALKING about how I was FEELING (on my blog and with my friends) that I felt like I could handle what was happening to me. Whatever it was. Before that? I was just too overwhelmed to deal. Now, I feel like a bit of a different person. I traveled and I learned. It’s hard being cooped up in my home now to study more often than going out and experiencing life, but I’m finding ways to be happy with the situation I’m in.
I’m pretty darn lucky to be in school.
Instead of wishing for something of the past, I’m anticipating the future. I LOVE the feeling of planning something and making it happen. It makes me feel motivated and it makes me smile. The anticipation of an experience is almost half the fun! I know that I’ll never be able to re-create a moment from my past, and I’m much happier with just the memories now.
So, conclusion? I’m doing much better. I’m living right now, I’m doing the things that make me happy (and some things that don’t, like school, but I am happy that I chose to stick with it) and I’m falling back in love with all the things worth loving that I started to forget about. It took a little bit of work, a little bit of talking, and a lot of figuring myself out… But I am happy again. And I’m so happy that I’m happy.
Tell me, did you ever go through a bit of a down in life? What got you out?