Honestly Happy

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In September, I wrote a couple posts about trying to get my life back together after spending the last month of my summer in Europe. In October, I wrote a few more about not feeling like myself and trying to piece MYSELF back together. I had a tough first six weeks back home, and I think it was a mix of a lot of things, but mostly taking the best trip of my life & then coming home to a tough semester of classes that weren’t going how I expected. 

I was really proud of those four posts because I was very honest about a part of myself that I didn’t really want to talk about. I’ve read this recently on some blogs, and it’s so true- as a blogger, you try to put your best self forward in your little internet space, but sometimes your less-best-self needs to come out too. Otherwise, am I really being an honest person with myself and my readers?

In an effort to stay HONEST, I thought it was time to write a little follow-up on what was going on in my head and my heart. Plus, I want to look back on November and remember it as a good time in my life, because it really is. In September & October I was having difficulty coping with my life. I was sad more often than I was happy. The things that normally brightened my day were kind of dull; hang outs with friends that normally cheered me up on a particularly gloomy day barely stirred up any emotion in me. It was kind of awful, now that I look back on it.

The good thing is that I’m now LOOKING BACK. Slowly but surely, each day feels better and brighter; I’m finding my smile again. I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when things started looking up, but I started noticing this month that everything has just been easier. I feel my focus shifting in school, I feel my priorities straightening out, and most importantly I feel like there’s a weight lifting from my heart. I wake up every day feeling lighter and more like myself.

I mentioned a few times in those previous posts that I’m not sure if I was exactly DEPRESSED- I think I just had a severe case of wanderlust that was worsened by the fact that my heart was still 8,000 kilometers away from my body. I’m still itching to travel again, but I’m feeling more grounded and more ready to take on the rest of my school year. I went through a really intense period in these last two months where all I wanted to do was drop out of school and travel the world. I still WANT to do that- I mean how awesome would it be to travel the world?- but some conversations with friends and some planning for next summer are making me feel more grounded.

I’ll be honest and admit that I still don’t like any of my courses this semester. None of them. That has been a big problem for me because I had high hopes for ALL of them… I think I might have appreciated them more had I taken them at a different point in my life, they are just tough courses that I wasn’t ready to work at. I’m trying to make up for lost time now, and hope it’s not too little too late. That being said, I’m going to do what I try to do in every situation and just make the best of it. If anything, this will have been a semester of learning and coping.

For a little while I thought I could work things out on my own, but I realize now as I write this that my friends who involved themselves in my life in the last month really helped me get out of a crappy place in my life. It’s only when I started TALKING about how I was FEELING (on my blog and with my friends) that I felt like I could handle what was happening to me. Whatever it was. Before that? I was just too overwhelmed to deal. Now, I feel like a bit of a different person. I traveled and I learned. It’s hard being cooped up in my home now to study more often than going out and experiencing life, but I’m finding ways to be happy with the situation I’m in.

I’m pretty darn lucky to be in school.

Instead of wishing for something of the past, I’m anticipating the future. I LOVE the feeling of planning something and making it happen. It makes me feel motivated and it makes me smile. The anticipation of an experience is almost half the fun! I know that I’ll never be able to re-create a moment from my past, and I’m much happier with just the memories now.

So, conclusion? I’m doing  much better. I’m living right now, I’m doing the things that make me happy (and some things that don’t, like school, but I am happy that I chose to stick with it) and I’m falling back in love with all the things worth loving that I started to forget about. It took a little bit of work, a little bit of talking, and a lot of figuring myself out… But I am happy again. And I’m so happy that I’m happy.

Tell me, did you ever go through a bit of a down in life? What got you out? 

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9 responses »

  1. Glad things are slowly coming back together for you. I almost always have a feeling of dissatisfaction about one thing or another in my life. I wish I could ignore those feelings sometimes and just be grateful for everything that I do have instead of concerning myself with the things I don’t. And I know that once I have whatever it is that I feel is “missing,” there will be something else to take its place. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m learning how to be happy…slowly. I think there will probably have to be some serious shifts from where my life is today in order to get there though. And that scares the shit out of me.

  2. You know what that was, right? It’s called “reverse culture shock”. It’s a very common phenomena.

    You might think you can only have a “culture shock” when you go an adventure to live some place else, and though those types of culture shocks are more common, the reverse cultur shock – difficulty to adjust back home at a place you know and love – happens just as often. ( I feel it sometimes when I go back home to Germany to visit even.)

    I’m happy to hear though that you’ve turned a corner 🙂

  3. Awh – glad to read that things are on an upward swing for you. This is good. I am sorry you weren’t on the Happy Train for a bit. I feel you, though. This has not been my year. I really meant for it to be (my year), but it’s been kicking my ass. I’ve been sad more than I’ve been happy and while I can attribute SOME of that to Seasonal Affective Disorder (terrible, dreary winter last year), I’m still trying to suss out the rest. I think there are reasons I know but refuse to admit to, yet. 😉

    ANYWAY.

    I’m glad you’ve found your smile. 🙂 Keep it.

  4. Good for you! I’m so glad to hear you are in a good place right now that YOU are happy with. I know I go through those “depressing but not depressed” where I can’t seem to be fully happy and yet I’m not fully depressed. And it’s hard to explain that feeling to people except to those who understand it. I find that the blog/Twitter world is really great for that—those people are very understanding!

  5. So glad that you’re feeling happier lovely!! Sometimes you can just feel down for no reason then all of a sudden there’s a switch that helps to put it right. xx

  6. Sometimes, we just have to voice our feelings. Let it be known we’re sad or mad or depressed and give these feelings a voice. I know I tend to squash my unhappiness down to keep a smile on my face but I feel like we’ll never get over that hump until we do sit down and say, “Look, right now I’m sad. And it sucks. But I will be okay again.”

    ❤ Love you and this post. And so happy you've found yourself again.

  7. There was one point in my life where I was pretty depressed, but I didn’t realize it until later. I don’t know if I was having growing pains or what, but at the time I was having a lot of problems with some of the relationships in my life. I ended up deciding that I needed a change and that really helped me out. It’s so great that you are able to write about it and share your journey back to happy.

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