Some days, I feel like the top of the world. Other days, I really just need someone to realize that I need a big hug and some reassuring words that everything is going to be okay.
I knew this was going to happen to me, it always does after a vacation: I start to get very sad. I didn’t even think it was going to happen THIS time, because I was only gone for about a week & I was trying to prepare myself beforehand… But I have to face the facts. I’m an emotional person and I tend to let my feelings get the best of me when I least expect it.
Coming home makes me sad, because I always realize one big thing after the first couple days: I’m ready to leave again. My vacations make me feel AMAZING and FREE and like I can DO ANYTHING I want. I love it, and I know that one week just isn’t cutting it for me anymore. My heart is telling me that bigger things are waiting for me in this world.
So what’s holding me back?
I’m not gutsy enough yet. I’m a worrier. I’m bad at saving money. I’m convinced I wouldn’t survive out there, even though I really want to. Maybe I’d miss home too much. Maybe I’d miss friends & family WAY too much. People might forget about me or lose interest in keeping in contact with me if I was gone for too long.
The list goes on, and on, and on, and on.
But the feeling of wanting to leave? It’s still there. It’s been lurking in my mind for the last year or so, and it just isn’t going anywhere. I have very little motivation to complete my schoolwork because I don’t currently feel like I’m pursuing what I WANT to be pursuing. My heart just isn’t in it. I don’t feel like I’m living the life that I want to be living at 22 years old. I’m still young, there are so many things I want to do, and realistically there isn’t THAT much holding me back at home (other than friends & family that I would miss). The truth is, I want to pack a bag and I want to immerse myself in a far away land for a few months. Maybe I could study there, or work, or volunteer, or just roam the different cities and discover how different people live their lives.
I just know I want to go somewhere far. I KNOW I’ll miss home, but I *want* to miss home. Next time I leave, I want to come back and not feel like I’ve lost an opportunity somewhere.
What I’m saying is that I talk a lot about accomplishing goals, making lists and living life on my own terms, but there’s just SOMETHING I’m not doing right, because this isn’t how I should feel every time I’m back home. I LOVE home, I love my “me time” and I really love the people I have back home, but really really deep down? I know all these things will still be here after I throw myself out of my comfort zone for a little while. I want to stop being jealous of the stories I read of people living their dreams. I want to be the person writing those stories from a distant continent.
I needed to write this post to remind myself that I need to take a look at myself and choose what’s best for ME, not for everyone around me or for the me in 10 years. I’m making myself a promise. A big one that I 100% intend to keep.
By the time I turn 25 years old, I want to be traveling the world in a BIG way.
It’s time to start planning and making this happen. I think that planning THIS kind of trip is going to make everything a LOT better for me.
I’m already smiling.