Category Archives: Confessions

A little motivation to move

Standard

You might say that in the last couple months I’ve really slacked on eating well and exercising. I think there’s a million reasons excuses that I could give as to why this happens. I mean, in the winter time it’s easy to just get comfortable in a routine of NOT moving around because the weather is no fun and, let’s face it, I hate winter and being part of it.

Actually, as a side note, one of my goals this year was to find a way to appreciate winter. I really tried, you guys, but realized once the snow had melted how truly relieved I was to see it all go. I came to the conclusion that the only part of winter I’ll ever appreciate is the excess amount of teas and coffees I drink, Christmas, and reading with a warm blanket.

Summer is so much prettier anyway 🙂

Back to my point, though. I get into this routine of doing-nothingness and it’s the easiest thing ever to just stay there. The worst part? I was doing a KICK ass job of eating awesome back in January. I’d actually never felt better than when I’d cut 95% of the meat out of my diet and replaced it with other various proteins. I had really taken myself out of my comfort zone & accomplished a goal I’d never even though I could do. I was proud of myself and I had SO MUCH FUN with it.

Now that I look back, I was eating all that amazing food right before I left to spend a week in Florida. And the time before that, I spent a ridiculous amount of time exercising and eating well right before my trip to Greece. I have a pattern that I’m beginning to notice as I started subconsciously eating really well these last couple days & significantly cutting the CRAP out of my every day diet.

I like to eat well when I have a goal to work towards. AKA vacation. AKA I want to feel good when I’m on a beach. The thing is, I book vacations so regularly now, a healthy lifestyle should be so much easier for me to keep up because I know I’ll always have somewhere to look forward to being. But I don’t WANT to just keep up a healthy lifestyle for as long as I travel- I want this to be a long term kind of thing. So why is it SO HARD for me to stay motivated to always eat properly and exercise regularly? Shouldn’t WANTING to FEEL GREAT be enough motivation? Why do the caramel frappucinos always beat out my willpower?

Must eat well now so I can eat pasta every day in Italy! 

I work in a really big store where there is a built-in Starbucks. This has been my ultimate downfall, although I’ve been really good at regularly ordering the ‘skinny’ version of anything I want. They all know to cut all the sugar out of my drinks, and yet I still feel extremely guilty at how often I get a coffee. Like, every day. Sometimes more than once a day.

I want to make a permanent lifestyle change without slipping back to old habits. I’m not sure how to make this a permanent thing yet, but with 2 and a half months before I’m back on the beautiful beaches of Europe, I’m willing to give this good eating & exercising thing yet another shot.

I’m going to start by cutting out a BIG part of the bad stuff I eat and replacing it once again with fruits and veggies. I want to cut down on the meat I eat again. I’d been doing really well at consciously eating LESS of it, but with school & finals that all went away too. I’m going to make healthy choices when I eat out, and try with ALL MY WILLPOWER to pretend there isn’t a Starbucks 10 feet away from where I spent 7 hours of my day.

I really want to give Jillian Michaels another try but so far she’s been my biggest downfall because I can never finish her freaking work outs. She’s too hard on me, guys. I think I may try some easier work outs at first and then kick butt in Jillian Michaels and see what happens from there.

I can do this. 

I’m even going to make myself a nice little deal. If, by July 1st, I’ve held up my personal goal of eating well, avoiding foods that are clearly not good for me & making a conscious effort to exercise regularly, I will buy myself a lovely new bathing suit for Europe & some other treat that I haven’t decided yet. I really want another bathing suit though & the ones I like aren’t CHEAP. If I’m going to spend the money, I better feel damn good wearing it. So I mean, I have to make this work!

What do you do to stay motivated in your healthy eating & exercising lifestyle? 

If you don’t succeed, try & try again.

Standard

I think one of the reasons I’m constantly doubting myself is because I feel like I’m always trying too hard. Some people have the ability to be amazing at anything they set their mind to, and yet when I pour my heart & soul into something I don’t often get the results I’d hoped for.

And so, I’m constantly doubting myself. 

I’ve applied for so many internship positions over the last couple years; so many writing gigs, promotions internships, and other various random little things that I’ve found. I’ve so rarely gotten the jobs I set my sights on, it often makes me wonder if my talent is all in my head. How do you convey to someone that you KNOW you’re right for the job, even though you don’t have all the experience of someone who’s 10 years older?

I’m a very passionate person. 

Sometimes, I wonder if this is my biggest downfall. When I decide that there is something I want to do, I put so MUCH into trying to achieve it. So why do I so rarely succeed?

These are the kinds of things I worry about for the future. When I’m done school, will anyone be willing to take a chance on me? The jobs that I have in mind aren’t the most ridiculous, high-end, or high-paying jobs out there. But they still require skill and ability. I know I can do it, but what if no one else believes in me? What if they believe in someone else more?

I often feel like everything I’m doing is for nothing. 

I’m putting all this time, money, effort and attention into school and into jobs that don’t pay, but what if that just isn’t enough? Is there something else I need to be doing? The future is so uncertain, and that’s scary. I want to have opportunities. I want to make enough money to be financially stable; to move out, travel, be independent from family & to be able to start my OWN family.

One day, I hope I find at least SOME thing that makes my uncertainties less uncertain. I hope someone takes a chance on me. Even if it’s in a place that’s not *exactly* what I want- if I can even start getting closer towards one of my goals, I’ll feel like I’ve got a fighting chance in the world.

I’m not done trying yet, though. 

I’ve learned that I love getting out of my comfort zone. I try and try again, because I still feel like somewhere down the line, it will mean success. Someone WILL notice that I’m right for what I want to do. The things I’m working on today that I don’t necessarily love? They’ll pay off later on and I’ll be able to wake up every single morning happy.

I still have hope, and because of it, I’ll keep trying to be who I want to be. 

Decisions, decisions.

Standard

Growing up, I always felt like I understood my life. In high school it seemed like everything made sense- I knew what I wanted to do with my future, everything seemed set in stone & the world was just a neat, organized place for me.

As I get older, I realize that this is not me anymore, not in the least. Life is constantly throwing new emotions my way that make me re-think my whole life. Especially in the last few years, nothing seems to make sense anymore. I wake up one morning ready to travel the world, and the next I want to settle in school for 3 years and finish my Bachelor’s degree. Depending on my mood, it seems like I’m ready to take up a new adventure. The reality of the situation is that I don’t *really* know where I see myself in 5, 10 years from now.

I think people kind of call this a quarter life crisis. 

What will I study in school? Will it make me happy? Where will I travel? Will I meet someone who will sweep me off my feet & take away all my worries? When the HECK am I going to meet someone who will sweet me off my feet? Where will I be when I’m 25 years old? Will my life be the same thing it is now, or will I have found some kind of career or passion that I am able to fully pursue?

Every day I wake up with a million questions swirling in my mind. There are so many things I envision for my future; so many possibilities that could maybe make me happy, but what if none of them even come true? I’ve met people who are older than me and still don’t have their life together. I’m scared that I become that kind of person. I know that I’m smart and talented, but what if that isn’t enough?

I hate that each day a new problem seems to come up in my mind. Some days I am so confident in my writing, and other days I wonder if that’s even a skill that’s worth having. Some days I am so happy that I am a passionate, creative individual. Other days I wish I was less of that and more just smart. Maybe if I followed my heart less and just studied more, I could do something worthwhile. But I know, deep down, that wouldn’t make me happy in the least.

So what would? 

Life is a constant struggle. I know my problems are SO minor compared to what some people go through every day, but the truth is I’m just trying to discover who I am. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and wonder if I’m 22 and making all the wrong decisions.

I recently purchased The Joy Equation through the Stratejoy blog, and I’m really excited to see if it helps me discover my passions and myself better. I want to stop waking up feeling indecisive and worried about my future. I want to be able to just be happy, embrace the things I am good at, and use them to enrich my every day life.

 

On… Blog phases, comparisons, & writing anxiety

Standard

I go through phases on my blog. Some weeks I love writing and there just don’t seem to be enough days in a week to post. Other weeks, I’m at a complete loss about what I want this space to look like, so I just don’t write at all- and when I do, I’m never happy with the result.

Erin wrote a great post earlier this week called ‘The Comparisons‘ that made me realize that’s exactly what I’m feeling, but for my blog space. Although Erin was referring to the comparisons of love and life, I think the idea that she talks about works for every area of our lives.

I definitely compare myself to other writers and bloggers. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me in the least, but there are other times that I think to myself “why am I even DOING this?! It’s so pointless!“… Even though I know that it’s not to ME. Just, in the grander scheme of things it feels that way.

I still have a really big problem knowing that the people I know in real life can read my blog any time they want. I don’t MIND that they do, but still when people who know me in real life read my blog, I can’t help but wonder if they see me differently afterwards. That gets me all stressed out and then I just go through the ‘no-blogging’ phase because I’m not sure how much I feel like sharing anymore. It’s the weirdest thing, honestly, because I know my blog space is open and I love when people read it. It just makes me feel very… vulnerable.

Writing about everything that happens in my life for the world to see basically opens the doors for judgement, criticism, and a slew of other things that make me very anxious. Some days that just doesn’t bother me one bit, but every once in a while it makes me close right back up, and I feel like I’m starting at square one.

I’ve written about this a few times in the past; how difficult it is for me to be honest online even though I WANT to be. I think, what it comes down to, is the fear of people judging me for my writing. I can’t stand the idea of being vulnerable, and I can’t stand the idea of not knowing who comes by here and who doesn’t. I sometimes tell my real-life friends to just not tell me when they read my blog because I’d rather not know, but I guess it doesn’t matter either way in the end. It’s just when people say “I read your blog!” and don’t follow up with anything else I get really antsy.

I realize this post has basically no coherence anymore, but sometimes just writing about the fear of writing itself is enough to move past it for a little while. So here I am, announcing once again that although I love to write and I love that you are reading this, it still makes me very anxious to know that you are. I’m not LOOKING for compliments for my blog, but I think it’s just another step at staying honest with myself and with you, if you’re reading this.

In the end, I just want to be happy with what I do. I love to write, and I sincerely hope that I’m not making a complete fool out of myself when I do it. On most days, I don’t feel that way. But sometimes it’s nice to just put my fears down in writing. It reminds me that they can sometimes be really silly in my head (and less so out loud) but it also gives me something to look back on.

Do you ever get nervous or anxious about your writing? How do you overcome your writer’s block?

Wednesday Confessions

Standard

A list of things (because who doesn’t love lists?) that I really want to confess. They are super random, I’m telling you that now!

1. I love Christmas, but sometimes the stress of buying gifts is too much. I’m afraid that the people I buy for just won’t like the presents at all, and I always worry someone will get them something a million times better & more thoughtful.

2. Sometimes, I still think in Greece time. When I was there this summer, I would wake up and count backwards to see what time it was at home, and now I often catch myself doing the same thing since I’ve been home.

3. My credit card debt right now is so high, I’m surprised I haven’t passed out from the sheer anxiety of it.

4. I think I’m addicted to shopping. It doesn’t matter WHAT I buy, as long as I’m purchasing things, I feel a little bit happier. I’m not even a materialistic person- my possessions don’t ultimately matter to me THAT much… I think I just like the fact that it gives me something to do.

5. I’m intensely avoiding the idea of school right now. At some moments, I already miss it. At others, I think to myself that any form of life without school is better.

6. I still regularly dream of dropping out of school and traveling the world for a little while. Then I remember that I’d miss home way too much. Also, the idea scares me.

7. I love receiving compliments, but I don’t take them well. I get all weird and flustered about it.

8. Although I’ve never been the kind of person to stay up late, as I get older I get much more cranky when I stay up past 10pm. It’s currently nearly 11 and I should have been asleep long ago, it seems!

9. I check Twitter WAY too often when I’m home. My e-mails too. I just have the browsers constantly open, as if some life altering thing is going to happen if I close them for even one second!

10. For the life of me, I can’t keep my room clean. It’s like some kind of insurmountable obstacle in my life. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it!

What are your confessions today?

What was my points’ balance? Cue the heart attack.

Standard

I was doing some online banking this morning (and cringing at my credit card balance, as I often do) when I had a great idea. What if I could redeem the points on my credit card for a gift card towards paying off what I owe to MasterCard?

I thought this was the most magical idea, so I created an account on their Rewards website to see what could be done. This is what greeted me when my account opened up:

No, that is not 100 points per dollar, or 10 points per dollar. That is ONE POINT PER DOLLAR. How have I spent that much money since turning 18? That wasn’t even FIVE years ago. My mind can’t wrap itself around this number. I’m a struggling student constantly attempting to pay off debt, and here I am wasting away my hard earned money.

You know how sometimes specialists say that when you’re living an *extreme* lifestyle that sees no bounds, the only way to stop yourself is by realizing you’re doing something WRONG? I often associate this with not eating well- when someone is unhealthy enough they will decide they’ve had enough and make a change- well you guys, I’ve had enough. I’m tired of spending LOADS of money that could be going towards things that matter.

How many of those points come from coffee or random dinners, movies and other things I could easily cut down on? My guess is at least half.

I’ve tried to budget myself many times before, but this morning as I shopped on the rewards website, somewhat laughing at the ridiculousness of the fact that I could buy almost anything I wanted, I realized it was time to make a change for REAL. Enough lack of willpower, enough giving in to Starbucks just *one more time*.

I know that I’ve gotten much MUCH better with my money in the last year, but I’m still nowhere near my goal of being a conservative spender. I don’t need a lot to live happily- I prefer to spend my money on traveling, on gifts, basic needs, and on saving for a decent life when I move out. My cinnamon dolce latte might make me happy in the morning, but add all those lattes up and the sum makes me feel like crap.

My points’ balance was just what I needed to see to jump start my budgeting again. I realize I’m in the middle of Christmas shopping, but there are still changes I can make as of this moment, and I plan to. Why start fresh in January to do something that I can do today? I’m so tired of making up excuses for myself.

It’s time to grow up a little bit and make choices that will benefit me in the long-term, not just fix my caffeine withdrawals.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what I’ll be doing with those points? I’m still debating it, but I think I’m going to redeem them as a check for my savings account. That feels like at least a little bit of good karma to get me started!

Have you ever had a breaking point that made you want to change something in your life dramatically?

Honesty, Truth, and 50 Questions

Standard

A few things:

1- Even though I’m done with NaBloPoMo, I’m still going to be doing my first VLOG at the end of the month. I’ve gotten some seriously amazing questions, feel free to add your own if you haven’t already. I already have tons for like.. 4 vlogs. But I’ll make sure I answer them all, even if it takes more than one post! I’m kind of nervous about vlogging, but it’ll be a fun experience!

2- I was nominated for a blogger award by the lovely Christina which was super unexpected! The Liebster Blog Award is generally awarded to great blogs who have less than 200 readers, but like Christina I’m going to just give my current five favorite reads. These ladies all deserve this award, so I hope you’ll take the time to check them out. Enjoy!

3- In music news, one of my favorite Canadian bands Marianas Trench released their brand new album this week and it’s SO AMAZING. Seriously. This week on CONFRONT Magazine, I reviewed their album. Basically, I share my love of this CD with the world. Check it out. Also, check out their album!

—–

Last week, I completed the last 5 questions in my 10-post series called ’50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind’. I answered five questions at a time from June until November; the point of the questions was that by the end, you would know yourself better and hopefully be a more honest person because of it.

I came across the 50 questions many times before actually starting to answer them. A few other blogs I read were doing them and I wanted to see if I really WOULD be able to answer them all truthfully. The verdict? I was 100% truthful with each question. There were only a few of them that I had to stop and think about before answering, there was only one or two that I really didn’t want to answer, but did anyway. Overall, I was able to breeze through a lot of them, I just hope I was able to do them all justice.

I have no idea who wrote these 50 Questions, but I would love to find out. I’m sure if I dug around the web a little bit I’d be able to find out… I just think they are complete geniuses. They gave me the perfect opportunity to start being more honest with myself and with the people who come across my blog. I have a lot of trouble opening up to people, so these questions were a big step for me. Even if I knew the answers in my head, writing them for anyone to come across was huge.

I’ve always been an incredibly introverted person. It takes me a long time to be more like myself around new people- let alone start discussing topics like these. There are still people in my life who I consider to be very good friends that I just won’t talk to about certain things. Most of my “real-life” friends who read my blog know me really well, but some of the ones who aren’t as social-media inclined probably don’t. I don’t know why, but I just have this fear of talking about the serious things.

I don’t know if these questions alone have changed me as a person or my introverted nature, but they’ve definitely helped me open up a little bit about things in my life that I shouldn’t be worried to share. I started answering those questions because I wanted to be more honest and truthful about who I am to others. I still cringe when I hit publish on posts like this one, but I’m working on making it second nature for me.